You know your life has changed when you are sitting outside a hospital and your wife is inside at a lactation support group discussing mamory glands with other women, all of whom have sore nipples. I watched as almost every one of these women was dropped off by tired men in cars. And even though nobody else on the street knew anything about these ladies nipples, I was in on to their little secret. It made me feel sort of guilty that I had this knowledge. But the guilt is currently being overwhelmed by the sleepiness that I feel.

The first week of having a kid, we had a fabulous night system worked out. If it was feeding time, Heather would get up and feed, and I would sleep. If it wasn't feeding time, I would get up and figure out the issue and Heather would sleep. Fortunately for me, Charlie mostly only woke up if it was feeding time, leaving me to enjoy my slumber, while Heather slowly grew more tired and exhausted. It was great. Until this week.

Charlie, you see, has been a very bad boy. We explain to him over and over again the proper way to latch on to Heather's breasts, and yet he seems stubbornly determined to do things his way. And though we have repeatedly lectured him on manners and good behavior, he ignores us completely. Kind of reminds me of my brother (please let that not be true.) So thanks to his shoddy attitude, Heather has had to pump rather than feed, which means I have to feed rather than sleep. Which means I get tired and exhausted and Heather gets some rest. How is that fair?

Last night I got 2 hours sleep. And while getting to feed your kid from a bottle while he stares at you as though you are the king of all yummy milky goodness is a wonderful feeling, the shine has sort of wore off, what with my newfound irrational grumpiness, blackouts, paranoia and brain delirium.

Now I know what you are thinking. "Poor Adam. Heather has it so easy now, and you have it so hard." You are insensitive for thinking that. The truth is, its getting even worse for Heather, because even though she is getting more rest, she is now subjected to the inhuman requirements of a breast pumping machine. They attach to both your boobs and suck for 15 minutes. For that 15 minutes you don't feel sexy. You feel the opposite of sexy, you feel like 1970's vegas Elvis. Heather was used to feeling sexy about 99% of the time, or 1960s Elvis. And now she's having a 4% per day reduction in feeling sexy, all thanks to the little rhythmic noises of a breast pump. But do have pity on me as she gets 4 HOURS OF SLEEP a night, to my 2.

Go to hell, soul & milk sucking machine, go to hell. Nobody messes with my Heather.