Cletus McFetus

I was pretty stoked last night to get my final round of sleeping in until I'm 50. Unfortunately, thoughts about my impending life change kept me up, and I tossed and turned until 6:30 am and then gave up. Hilarious.

My life is about to change forever, and about a billion things are going through my head. Will he be a happy kid? Will I screw him up? Will he like the same things I like? Will he hate the same things I hate? Will he be grateful or embarrassed that we didn't get him circumcised? Will he be a momma's boy? Will he be a jock? Will he get lucky, and get the genes from Heather's dad and my Dad's side of the family and be taller than me? Will he be a douchey teen? Will I screw him up? Will he be smart? Irretrievably Stupid?Will he get the Mordecai competitive gene and have to beat everyone at every game he plays? Will he be a good sport? Will he be a charmer with the ladies? Or the men? Will he turn into Alex P. Keaton? Will I screw him up? Will he be president?

There's about a billion more of those that I'll spare you from hearing, but I take consolation in one fact. My brother, whom growing up I thought to be a degenerate pain in my ass, has not only become a really well functioning adult, he has managed to be an awesome dad to the most adorable little girl in the world. Surely, if a guy who shoved peas up his nose as a kid, and missed out on an NBA all-star game because he refused to do one simple chore (seriously, at age 10, all he had to do was do the dishes, with help from the rest of the family, and he would be flown to NC to meet Charles Barkley, but he refused on the principal that he just didn't want to) can be an awesome dad, then there is possibly hope for me.

I'm gonna go not sleep now. I'll keep you posted tomorrow as I can. 6am we start. Good times.

The OB appointment went fine yesterday. No change in status. The Kid ain't coming out without a fight. So we're inducing at 6:00 am on Monday.

I'm gonna attempt to twitter the whole thing (if heather doesn't kill me first) so if you want updates over text message on your phone, setup an account at Twitter.com and follow me and set my account to send you device updates. Then you can get the play by play of the whole thing.

I think things are about to change around here.

Today is the due date. If he has the impeccable timing to show up today, I will be shocked. I've never been great at getting places on time, I can't imagine my offspring being able to either. We have a morning meeting with the OB to plan for Monday at 6am. I'll twitter the whole thing hour by hour if Heather doesn't try to kill me for attempting to do so.

In the interim, here's some classic cosby on the subject.

We've given up. We now accept the fact that our child will not come out unless he is forced out. June 26th is his due date. June 30th is when we evict him if he won't come out. Some people have emailed me and asked if there is anything else we need. We've definitely been covered. Between the showers, the packages, the everything everyone has been so generous with, we are totally setup.

However, there are items that Heather won't allow me to purchase, but that I feel our baby desperately needs. So if you really want to help out my baby, you can buy him this, or this, or my personal favorite, this.

My future comedian thanks you. 56 W. 3rd Ave, 80223.

I hate waiting. There's been no change in Heather's status, and her doctor explained that apparently, "He just really wants to stay in there."

And so we wait. A personal observation: the 9th month is for suckers.

Went to the doc today and got the weekly checkup. Heather is now 3cm dilated and still 80% effaced. She is not in labor. Fun fact: You can be up to 6cm dilated and still not go into labor. So now we wait. We've tried the spicy food. We've tried the black licorice. Nothing will make the little bugger come out.So we wait.

So in the interim, if we are to be miserable, so should you. Here are 3 horrifyingly gross facts about pregnancy that nobody tells you about in movies.

The Mucus Plug - This is a sign of oncoming labor. It's a gooey pond of mucus that acts as a stopper in the months leading up to labor. When it comes out, the baby is on its way.

The Bloody Show - There's a big spout of blood that comes out of a lady prior to labor as well. There's a fake bloody show that's brown and a false indicator of labor and then theres the real one that's pink. Either way, goo.

and finally, the one you've probably never realized existed unless you've already got kids...

The Placenta Birth - In every TV show and every movie, it ends with the happy mom with the child in her arms, crying with excitement at the birth of her new offspring. But tragically, this is not how labor ends. After the baby is born, the mother has to keep pushing, and generally, 5 minutes to an hour later, she gives birth to the organ she grew in her body just for that kid. The placenta detaches from the uterine wall and is expelled. She actually delivers the placenta.

So here's a video of it to gross you out. This one goes out to all of you who rigged the name my kid vote in Emmet's favor.

We were walking through Walgreen's collecting last minute Items when I found and immediately had to purchase this:

Fisher Price apparently makes them still. (Actually, they got a cool toy company to make them instead.)

Does anyone else remember this guy from their childhood? Well, Cletus is getting one regardless.

So I've created a poll to get the general opinion of my friends for the name of our kid. This poll is non-binding, but we still value your opinion. Heather rejected my idea of naming the kid Barack. But whatever. Which is your favorite?

Heather is 1cm dilated and 50% effaced.

Now before you get all excited, understand that all that means is the kid is on the launch pad, but he hasn't quite launched. 1cm dilation can last the whole month. Heather had been having some strange shocking pains lately and we thought it might mean the kid's head was the wrong direction or sitting on her spine. Turns out the pains are normal, and his head is right where it should be. This might actually be a flawless labor.

So now, its a waiting game. He probably won't come late, according to our awesome doctor, Dr. Barta. So no July 4th baby for us. But he may come early. Yes, panic is setting in. We're gonna have a kid.

Holy Crap.

Watching this baby slowly grow has been an experience to say the least. Lately, it has reminded me of the movie Aliens, when the little bastard shoots out of the guys belly. Heather's stomach has been undulating in very creepy creepy ways.

I searched for an example on youtube, and apparently, everyone else had the same idea. Glad to know I'm not alone.