February 22nd is officially the day. A surgeon will cut a small slit in my neck, play around inside my throat cavity and remove my friend, the thyroid. Here's a photo reenactment of the procedure:

What is the thyroid, one might ask? One might let wikipedia tell one:

The thyroid is one of the largest endocrine glands in the body. This gland is found in the neck inferior to (below) the mouth and at approximately the same level as the cricoid cartilage. The thyroid controls how quickly the body burns energy, makes proteins, and how sensitive the body should be to other hormones.

The thyroid participates in these processes by producing thyroid hormones, principally thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). These hormones regulate the rate of metabolism and affect the growth and rate of function of many other systems in the body. Iodine is an essential component of both T3 and T4. The thyroid also produces the hormone calcitonin, which plays a role in calcium homeostasis.

The thyroid is controlled by the hypothalamus and pituitary. The gland gets its name from the Greek word for "shield", after its shape, a double-lobed structure. Hyperthyroidism (overactive thyroid) and hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid) are the most common problems of the thyroid gland. Specialists are called thyroidologists.

So, that, in a nutshell, is what the thyroid is. Now if you'd like to learn all the fun details of what's gonna happen to me read on.

There's nothing terribly wrong with my thyroid right now. In fact by all accounts its functioning pretty normally. But my family has a history with thyroid cancer. I carry the gene that could give me cancer down the road, so as a precaution, out goes my buddy, Thyroid.

I will be knocked out for the operation. The incision is made in a curve of my skin low in the neck so its hard to see later when it heals. The operation lasts around 2-3 hours.

What are the risks and complications? They aren't too scary. But yet still frightening enough for a karaoke addict like myself. They are:

• Hoarseness. The nerves to the vocal cords run under the thyroid gland on either side of the neck. Injury to the nerve causes hoarseness. Approximately 5-10% of patients will have hoarseness resulting from stretching the nerve, but this hoarseness is temporary lasting days to month. So I may choose to shoot a movie about a boxer and his trainer immediately following the surgery. There's a 1% of permanent hoarseness, in which case, I may just do a two man show with Harvey Fierstein, some kind of amazing musical where we both teach the world how to ruin every song ever made.
• Low blood calcium. Approximately 15% of patients end up with low calcium after getting sliced. Low calcium can make you feel like your arm or leg fell asleep, with that prickly numbness to go along with it, all the time. So that could be fun. And tingly. And stuff.

Fortunately for me, the surgeon and the hospital performing the procedure are experts in the field, having done extensive research on it, and performing exclusively these surgeries every day. All they do all day is Thyroidectomies. And they are wicked skilled. Neither my ma or my aunt had any lasting effects from their procedures.

I'll spend 1 night recovering in the hospital with a fantastic liquid diet then go home and stay awake long enough to enjoy the Oscars. I'll then have another 3 - 7 days of recovery at home. My aunt, who's getting up there in years, just had the procedure done, and it took her about 5 days to recover, so I being so young strapping and healthy should have a quicker time of it.

Then, one might ask, what does one do when one doesn't have a thyroid? I'll be taking a pill for the rest of my life, one that actually is more efficient than my actual thyroid. Then, once Cletus is born, he'll have to be tested to see if he carries the gene as well. If he carries it, he'll have his thyroid removed at age 10 (the cancer can often appear in teens as young as 15.)

So that should be fun. I'll try to live blog it when I come out of anesthesia and see what kind of insane drivel comes out of my head when I'm stoned on hospital strength drugs. Should be a fun time had by all.

Anyone have any ideas on how to screw with the medical staff, without interfering with the surgery? Send me your ideas in the comments. I need to keep them on their toes.